Fake Debate

LEHRER: Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States?

KERRY: Yes, since September 11th 2001 there have been 3 other September 11ths. There was one in 2002. There was another in 2003. And I believe there was a third just a few weeks ago. This is simply a fact. Check the calendar. The President did nothing to stop these. As President I will remove September 11th from the calendar completely. Heck, I already pretend it didn't happen anyways.

LEHRER: What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?

KERRY: Well, where do you want to begin! The President should have gotten our good friends to help us. But he spat on them and stole their coke. We are alone in Afghanistan and Iraq. My records show that we have minus 2 allies. The President only has 17 troops in Afghanistan right now. 17. And that's not even counting the minus 4 allies that are there. So there's really only 13 troops. But in Iraq we have 350 million troops. And Iraq isn't even in the Middle East!

LEHRER: As president, what would you do, specifically, in addition to or differently to increase the homeland security of the United States than what President Bush is doing?

KERRY: Jim, and by the way Jim, I'm going to continue to ignore the American people and solely talk to you until my closing remarks if that's OK....Jim, this President has cut budgets for policemen, firemen, doctors, nurses, all first responders, taxi-cab drivers, pilots, McDonalds employees, football players, etc, etc, etc. He has cut fire protection in this nation by, oh I don't know, 345%! That's amazing. Why didn't I make that up before?

LEHRER: What criteria would you use to determine when to start bringing U.S. troops home from Iraq?

KERRY: Jim, I would bring US troops home in 6 days. But I could only do that b/c I have provided them with 6 dollars worth of armor so that they can get the job done completely that quickly. I call this my 6 dollars/6 days program.

LEHRER: You just -- you've repeatedly accused President Bush -- not here tonight, but elsewhere before -- of not telling the truth about Iraq, essentially of lying to the American people about Iraq. Give us some examples of what you consider to be his not telling the truth.

KERRY: Jim, I've never used the word lie. I mean, this President has wrongfully killed thousands of people. But lie is too strong a word. He has lied 94.5% of the time. He lied about creating a coalition. He said he'd create one, but we have...oh, I can't remember what I said before, minus 5 allies. And I still haven't used the word lie. By the way, have I mentioned Ronald Reagan yet. I claim that name. Oh, and throw in JFK.