The Turning Point of My Life

When I was 17 I didn't really like my life. Too shy to get a girlfriend. Too short to star in sports. Too average to be popular. I didn't have many friends at all to be honest. Even at church, where most of my meaningful friendships existed, I was feeling more and more out of place. Something was missing.

Each year my family went to our district family camp at Houghton College. This was the highlight of my year growing up. But recent years had gotten worse and worse. I was too old to just have fun riding bikes around all week, too unsure of myself to flirt with 'district' girls, too prideful to just hang out with the little kids all day. Things were getting worse.

Evening sermons were brutal. It was hot. Sermons were long. Vacation time was ticking away. Tim Elmore was the speaker that year. One particular night his preaching seemed to speak to my heart. When he finished speaking the Spirit didn't. I tried to ignore Him by hanging out with my friends in the lounge. They started telling dirty jokes. I was sick of same old same old. I stood up and walked away silently. Someone asked, 'where's he going?' I just kept walking.

I locked my door, knelt beside my bed, and prayed. I cried. I rarely cry. I told God my life sucked. I told Him I sucked. I let go. I gave up. I think it lasted about 15 minutes. Then I saw my Bible. Took it. Opened it. Read the first verses my eyes landed on. Romans 12:1-2, 'be transformed by the renewing of your mind.' I told God I was ready to be changed.

Now what? I tried to stand. I couldn't stand. I didn't know why. The only thing I could think to do was be silent before God. And then He spoke. Not in an audible voice, but not just in my mind either. Something in between somehow. He told me to be a pastor. I questioned Him. He repeated. I questioned again. He became silent.

For the remainder of camp that year I was quiet as usual, but now it was a different kind of quiet. Before it was a quiet depression, now it was a quiet wonder. I told nobody. Words had been faked for too long to be of value. I just lived. Differently. Less angry. Less bitter. Less worried. More nervous, but the good anticipatory type of nervousness. More gentle. Things seemed to happen slower, or maybe more things seemed to be significant.

I was changing, but into what? How could God make me a pastor? It seemed ridiculous. I started to doubt. Maybe I had added the 'pastor' part of that night myself. I asked God for a sign, something to assure me that it really had been His voice. The very next Sunday morning my pastor came up to me in the hallway. He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and asked, 'were you called into the ministry last week?' I nodded, or something. I don't remember. I hadn't told anyone.

It's been almost 6 years since that week. Since then I've graduated twice and now serve as the assistant pastor of my home church. I've changed a lot. God has changed me. I believe I am more like Christ almost every day. But my 'greatest' sins have also been since that week. My greatest victories have too.

Sometimes I have incredible doubts. I even doubt that God spoke to me that night. Maybe I did tell someone and that someone told my pastor. I was sure I didn't, but maybe I'm just forgetting. Maybe the skeptics are right. I feel attracted to questions about faith. Investigating them usually adds to my faith, but once in a while it gets shattered.

This is a very long post. Probably few of you have made it to the end. It is my prayer tonight, though, that I will fight the good fight of faith, that I'll come out victorious with Christ, that I'll enter His presence and hear Him say, 'Well done, good and faithful servant!'