Unfortunate Events

Jim Carrey's flic, A Series of Unfortunate Events, doesn't look like something I want to see, BUT...it did get me to thinking and I have decided, upon careful consideration, to post a long story about my history with girls (note that I did not say 'my love life' since some of these were mere crushes and others were extremely immature forms of love).

However, to protect those females who may not wish their names to be blogged about, I have made an executive decision to describe each of these relationships using symbolism. Names will be changed. Traits will be exaggerated. Circumstances will be twisted. All this will protect the innocent (and guilty!), but it will also (hopefully) make each story more interestesting to anyone who actually reads all this as well!

You may even be able to figure out some of the clues


Once upon a time there was an extremely shy young man named Klark Cent. He liked an extremely beautiful young woman named Lois Lane (GIRL #1). He was too nervous to talk to her, but one day she talked to him:

'Why is your first name spelled with a K instead of a C?...and why is your last name spelled withh a C instead of a K?'

The young man tried to think of a witty response....

'Ummm.....well.....it's a clue!'

The young man realized that didn't make any sense

'Ummm...no, well. It's not a clue. My parents had to spell it like this b/c the name Clark Kent is copywrited.'

Lois laughed. She found his nervousness charming. Plus he was adorable. But she was pretty shy too, and waited for him to make the next move. The young man realized it was his turn. Over the next few weeks he planned and plotted. Finally he came to a decision: He would hang out with Lois's younger brother. This would show Lois that he was a SUPER guy, a family man. It would allow them to get to know each other indirectly. Klark played football with Lois's brother. He talked with him, laughed with him, joked with him, took him on a trip to Cleveland, etc. Klark believed his plan was working perfectly.

But Klark had no conclusion to his plan. Opportunities arose and departed un-utilized. After a while, Lex Luther posted Klark's true feelings on his website for all the world to see. Klark was so embarressed. He gave up. His first big crush was over. He vowed never to love again. This lasted a few weeks.

Embarrassed by his shyness (isn't that a funny thought), Klark Cent changed his name to Charlie. His relational life was over despite the fact that he was only in middle school. He was down in the dumps over losing Lois Lane.

But then the energizing announcement was made: Willy Wonka was giving away a lifetime supply of relational happiness to 5 lucky people. To win, you just had to buy Candy bars and look for a golden ticket within. Charlie was excited until he started thinking. Over-thinking has always been one of Charlie's big problems. He calculated the odds. He wasn't willing to make the investment necessary to win the prize. And a golden ticket certainly wasn't going to fall from heaven.

Then one day at school a friend of a friend handed Charlie a Candy bar. He opened it nervously before class started. Low and behold....a GOLDEN TICKET. Charlie read the wording of the ticket to be sure it was real: 'You are the lucky winner of a relationship. To claim your prize simply look back three rows and across two aisles.' Charlie slowly turned his head until the smiling face of a sweet young girl (GIRL #2) glided into view.

But Charlie was skeptical. Some 'prizes' are scams dressed in disguise. He needed protection from humilation, so he called his lawyer who advised him to sign a 2 week relational happiness contract. After the completion of the 2 week period Charlie could re-evaluate his decision and make a bigger commitment. Charlie's lawyers received an odd look from the sweet young girl, but she agreed to the timid terms.

At the end of the two weeks, Charlie decided not to renew the contract. Nothing against the girl, but relational happiness wasn't too fun in middle school. When Charlie wanted to talk about sports with his friends, the sweet girl wanted to hold hands while she talked to her friends.

Charlie gained some confidence from knowing that some girl had given him this golden ticket. Perhaps Charlie needed confidence more than he needed a girlfriend. Charlie was no longer in the dumps

As Charlie and his confidence grew, some girls occassionally took notice. A couple of them asked Charlie to sign up for a science class. Charlie didn't really care for science, but he liked the idea of girls asking him to join things.

The science class was all about mixing things together to bring about a desired effect. Charlie watched as one of the girls (GIRL #3) tried day after day to create a love potion. Eventually Charlie decided she was never going to give up, so he decided to help her out.

Working as a team wasn't so bad at first, but then things got very complicated. One day Charlie and the girl were working on a particularly delicate potion. As Charlie added the final ingredient the beaker exploded and gamma radiation spread throughout the room causing mutations to occur in all individuals present. Charlie turned into a young woman named Betty Ross. The young girl turned into a giant, green, bad-tempered, Incredible Hulk.

Betty tried his hardest to keep the hulk happy (funny sentance I know). When she (the hulk) wanted to vacation in the North Pole, Betty took her there. When the Hulk wanted to vacation in the South Pole, Betty took her there too. Needless to say, they were racking up quite a few frequent flyer miles on the bi-polar express.

Betty knew he had to end the relationship. And he knew it wouldn't be pretty. But he did it. The Hulk was sad, then angry, then sorry, then furious, then she wanted ice cream, then she threw writing utensils. Pretty much what Betty had anticipated.

Over the next months the mutations slowly wore off. Betty became a man again.

We first found our hero as an emerging superman, but just when Lois Lane was in reach timidity outfought temerity for the throne. The golden ticket and the relentless hulk gave Charlie some confidence, but they left Betty a confused transgendered soul.

The radiation was losing its affect, but Charlie/Betty wanted to speed the process along. He admitted himself into a clinic up North where he believed he'd find the help necessary. At the clinic people paired up and tried to help each other with their problems. Charlie watched patiently as people chose their partners. He didn't expect to be in high demand, being transgendered and all (yeah, I know this story is really weird, but I can't turn back now!).

One day, though, a young woman (GIRL #4) took a special interest in Charlie. He wasn't exactly sure why. She had a boyfriend. She was smart and attractive. He hadn't even shown any interest. But there she was, wanting to pair up. Charlie was not opposed.

But Charlie didn't realize being a pair was so complicated. Apparently saying yes to 1 relationship was saying no to 200 others. The young woman made Charlie aware of all the clinics rules. They were many, complicated, and enforced with disappointing looks. In particular, Charlie hated the early bed time rules.

One can go mad obeying the rules all day. Charlie read through the rule book often to try to find some loophole, but to no avail. Apparently, however, Charlie's version of the rule book was far from perfect. The young woman was able to find loopholes whenever she wanted in her version. It was odd to Charlie that the very same girl who enforced extra strict rules on him was also willing and wanting to avoid the most basic rules with him.

One night they were out and it started to rain. It rained for days. The rains came down and the floods came up. A whirlpool developed. The relationship circled towards the center. And I'm not a huge fan of this part of the story, so let's just say the relationship died.

Charlie woke up drenched and dazed and confused. Relationships weren't working well for him so far. I mean, sure, he had learned valuable lessons...1. Don't try to date Lois Lane if you're not ready to be Superman...2. Don't try to date the Hulk if you're not willing to be pushed around...and 3. Don't try to be a girl if you're...well...a guy.

So Charlie decided to leave his life of searching for a soul-mate. He decided to join the CIA. In the CIA he'd be too busy to go through another relational debacle. He was so excited. Until that first meeting. He was sitting quietly when she (GIRL #5) walked in. They had girls in the CIA??? He didn't see any other girls. Only her. But 1 was enough to devestate his plans.

As the reader would expect, Charlie and mystery girl number 4 were occassionally sent on missions together. He was given the alias Vaughn. She was given the alias Sydney. Their first mission was to pose as students and pass tests, so they studied together. The missions became more complex though, and pretty soon they found themselves posing as a couple that wasn't dating when, in reality, they were. They were glad when that mission was over.

Charlie was very happy. Not only was he now serving his country in the CIA, he had found a great partner to work with. The future looked bright...until...Charlie was hit in the head by someone from the CIA's enemy: SD-6. He lost his memory. He forgot how good things had been with Sydney. The SD-6 agents told him he was an unsatisfied agent. He foolishly believed them. They gave him a replacement partner (GIRL #6). But as the months went on his memory began to return. He escaped SD-6 and returned to the CIA headquarters. And there he saw Sydney and the past hit him like a brick.

Sydney was reluctant, but Charlie was persuasive. He wanted to be Vaughn again, but to her, he was just Charlie now. Charlie had the CIA place her on missions with him....but the spark never really returned. Charlie graduated from his position as an agent to a desk job with an office to himself.

But from time to time you could see Charlie glancing out his office window....looking to, once again, find such a spark as had left.

It wasn't long before Charlie realized that his office had no exterior walls. He peered through his 1 window into 1 large room. Was 1 room enough or did Charlie need to see the world? Years passed before Charlie chose the latter option. By this time he had saved up billions of dollars. He used some of his money to buy a ticket to the other side of the world. Perhaps this would be the truly golden ticket. The other side of the world used an other language. Charlie was given a new name, Bian Fu Xia, which translated to "Bat-man". After some initial successes (GIRL #7), however, Charlie returned home to his lone window.

Having been Batman reminded Charlie of what it was like to have a secret. He remembered a wonderful secret (GIRL #8) he'd had back when his 'Betty Ross' mutation was wearing off (but before she/he became a Stepford Boyfriend). Fortunately, it was the kind of secret that was just outside his office window. Unfortunately, he was paralyzed by circumstances. Charlie had no idea if their was potential with this girl (who we'll call, ummm, Cat Chick) or not.

So Bat-man waits for Cat-chick. He waits for circumstances to change outside his window. His paralysis doesn't stop him from thinking through the ceiling to the heavens. Perhaps one day He will learn to fly again. Until then, he dreams of Cat-Chick and the Sky.


Which #'s do you know? :)